A Very Tiny Play: #17

I’m almost 1/5 of the way through my journey. This one is a comedy. One day I’ll write comedy that isn’t lewd. This is not that day.

Triple Timing

(A woman in a pant suit with immaculate hair sits behind a desk typing. She takes a significant look at a piece of paper on the desk and sighs and shakes her head. She keeps typing. A man walks in to the office.)

MAN: Wendy.

WENDY: Gunther.

GUNTHER: What the hell are you doing?

WENDY: Saving your soul.

GUNTHER: Excuse me?

WENDY: I’m writing to the board that, quote, the plans to automatise Connectocorp would depersonalise it, and fatally divorce it from its original mission.

(After a beat, Gunther takes out his smart phone and starts working furiously on it.)

What are you doing?

GUNTHER: Nothing!

WENDY: Gunther, what’s wrong with you? How could you even consider replacing our agents with algorithms? It’s against everything we stand for! People, Gunther! People!

GUNTHER: Well, the board are people too.

WENDY: Gunther. Is this about the bottom line?

GUNTHER: It’s not about anything for you anymore — you’re fired!

WENDY: What?!

GUNTHER: Yes, hello, can you send a security agent to the CEO’s —

(But Wendy has scrambled over the desk and is wrestling Gunther for the phone)

WENDY: Nevermind everything is great!

(She ends the call with her nose.)

GUNTHER: Give it back!

WENDY: I was always there for you! Ever since the beginning! What happened to your basic human dignity?!

GUNTHER: Wendy! Wendy! Stop! You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve been under so much pressure from the board. I’m going nuts! And I haven’t asked you for help, because… because I’ve been afraid to. You do so much for me already, I just don’t want to impose.

WENDY: Oh, Gunther…!

(She lets him go.)

GUNTHER: HAH!

(He gets up and goes out the door.)

WENDY: NO! You bastard!!!

GUNTHER: Try to regain your composure before I come back with security! Don’t want to embarrass yourself!

WENDY: Fuck. Fuck! Fuuuuuhuhuhuck.

(She collapses.)

Hahaha. We never even fucked. Oh! But everyone thinks we do!

(She starts taking off her clothes.)

Try clearing this with the board!

(She lies down on the desk and strikes a sexy pose. Bart enters, freezes at the sight of Wendy, Gunther walks right into Bart, and sees Wendy as she delivers her line.)

Bart, I’m so glad you could join us!

GUNTHER: Wendy! What the hell —

WENDY: What? It was your idea! Though I think he’s an excellent choice.

BART: Wow. You guys, I’m … thank you. I’ve been in such a bad place recently and I … I can’t tell you how much I need this right now.

(He is now disrobing.)

WENDY: Oh~!

(Wendy and Gunther watch in silence as Bart gets completely naked.)

BART: What?

(A beat.)

GUNTHER: Ah, fuck it. Come here.

(He starts taking off his clothes and making out with Bart. Wendy looks at the audience, shrugs, and gets up to join them as the lights fade.)

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