A Very Tiny Play: #18

The tiniest yet. I have my first portfolio item for my 5 second films job application.

This is part of a series where I do adaptations of other works, for “the stage.” The first one is a suggestion from a singing nerd-lady.


Woman 1: So, yeah –
Woman 2: Wait – listen!
(The two women listen.)
Woman 1: Hide!
(They hide. A zombie enters from stage right. When it reaches where the women are hiding, it sniffs, and exits stage left.)
Woman 2: That was close.
Woman 1: Yeah. So like, what was I saying?
(The lights fade as the women keep talking.)

A Very Tiny Play: #17

I’m almost 1/5 of the way through my journey. This one is a comedy. One day I’ll write comedy that isn’t lewd. This is not that day.

Triple Timing

(A woman in a pant suit with immaculate hair sits behind a desk typing. She takes a significant look at a piece of paper on the desk and sighs and shakes her head. She keeps typing. A man walks in to the office.)

MAN: Wendy.

WENDY: Gunther.

GUNTHER: What the hell are you doing?

WENDY: Saving your soul.

GUNTHER: Excuse me?

WENDY: I’m writing to the board that, quote, the plans to automatise Connectocorp would depersonalise it, and fatally divorce it from its original mission.

(After a beat, Gunther takes out his smart phone and starts working furiously on it.)

What are you doing?

GUNTHER: Nothing!

WENDY: Gunther, what’s wrong with you? How could you even consider replacing our agents with algorithms? It’s against everything we stand for! People, Gunther! People!

GUNTHER: Well, the board are people too.

WENDY: Gunther. Is this about the bottom line?

GUNTHER: It’s not about anything for you anymore — you’re fired!

WENDY: What?!

GUNTHER: Yes, hello, can you send a security agent to the CEO’s —

(But Wendy has scrambled over the desk and is wrestling Gunther for the phone)

WENDY: Nevermind everything is great!

(She ends the call with her nose.)

GUNTHER: Give it back!

WENDY: I was always there for you! Ever since the beginning! What happened to your basic human dignity?!

GUNTHER: Wendy! Wendy! Stop! You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve been under so much pressure from the board. I’m going nuts! And I haven’t asked you for help, because… because I’ve been afraid to. You do so much for me already, I just don’t want to impose.

WENDY: Oh, Gunther…!

(She lets him go.)


(He gets up and goes out the door.)

WENDY: NO! You bastard!!!

GUNTHER: Try to regain your composure before I come back with security! Don’t want to embarrass yourself!

WENDY: Fuck. Fuck! Fuuuuuhuhuhuck.

(She collapses.)

Hahaha. We never even fucked. Oh! But everyone thinks we do!

(She starts taking off her clothes.)

Try clearing this with the board!

(She lies down on the desk and strikes a sexy pose. Bart enters, freezes at the sight of Wendy, Gunther walks right into Bart, and sees Wendy as she delivers her line.)

Bart, I’m so glad you could join us!

GUNTHER: Wendy! What the hell —

WENDY: What? It was your idea! Though I think he’s an excellent choice.

BART: Wow. You guys, I’m … thank you. I’ve been in such a bad place recently and I … I can’t tell you how much I need this right now.

(He is now disrobing.)


(Wendy and Gunther watch in silence as Bart gets completely naked.)

BART: What?

(A beat.)

GUNTHER: Ah, fuck it. Come here.

(He starts taking off his clothes and making out with Bart. Wendy looks at the audience, shrugs, and gets up to join them as the lights fade.)

A Very Tiny Play: #16

This one’s pretty tragic. I think tragedy is my comfort zone. Huh. Go figure!

(On stage right we see a police officer taking notes. Zak is on the other side of a counter.)

OFFICER: Yes, good. What is happened?

ZAK: I last saw her at the docks.

(As he says this, the lights on stage left change to daylight. Jade enters, pacing. The boatman watches her subtly from upstage while he keeps himself busy.)

We were meant to take a ferry to the island for a tour, but I was late.

(Zak turns around, and runs into his memory, out of breath. The officer watches in stillness.)

ZAK: Where’s the ferry?

JADE: They left. They waited ten minutes.

ZAK: Aw, fuck. I’m sorry, babe.

JADE: Yeah, right.

ZAK: What?

JADE: You always do this! If you were really sorry, you would be on time for things that are important to me! You would fucking prioritize me!

ZAK: Prioritize you? Why do you think we’re here? You’re not happy unless you’re discovering some foreign land! I told you I needed to work. You know how important this deadline is!

JADE: It’s not just this deadline. We have never been on a trip where you weren’t fucking working! Now I missed a ferry to basically my dream island because you can’t take a fucking break!

ZAK: You’re right. I need a break! I need a break from you. I’ll see you back at the hotel.

(He exits out the way he came, and leaves the stage. After a moment, the boatman approaches Jade.)

BOATMAN: Pretty lady! You are needing a boat? Go to island? Fifty American, I take you right now.

JADE: Yeah. Okay. You have change?

BOATMAN: No, no, no change. Give me forty. You are pretty lady, so I take forty.

JADE: Great! Thank you.


(He leads her off stage left. Zak runs back in after a minute and looks around.)

ZAK: Jade? Jade! Aw, fuck….

(The lights change and he’s back in the police station.)

I searched the docks, I tried all the restaurants we’d been to, I tried her cell about a thousand times. I thought she would come home last night.

(He shakes his head.)

OFFICER: Hm. I am sorry, but there is nothing we can be doing.

ZAK: What?!

OFFICER: The docks are very dangerous, nobody is telling you this?

ZAK: Yeah, I know, but I was only gone a minute, she must have gotten on a boat or something!

OFFICER: So she belongs to them now. I will show her picture but nobody is telling me nothing.

ZAK: There’s gotta be something, something you can do!

OFFICER: Maybe you visit your embassy and they make investigation. You are not first person coming to me with this problem.

ZAK: Okay.

OFFICER: We are calling you if something come up.

ZAK: Thanks.

(Zak leaves the office. The lights fade on the Officer throwing out the report.)