A Very Tiny Play: #9

Here’s one about archaeology and love and finding your true self. Let it inspire you!

(Deep underground an ancient temple. Zelda runs in and stops suddenly in front of a huge set of doors with runes inscribed overtop it. Simon runs in after her and stops for breath. Simon is carrying a large backpack, and Zelda holds only a satchel.)

ZELDA: This is it.

SIMON: What?

ZELDA: This door. It’s gotta be behind here. I fuckin’ know it. I can feel it. Can you feel it?

(She tries to push the door open.)

Yeah, didn’t think so. Here, give me the Rosetta Stone.

SIMON (through heavy panting): Nah, it’s okay, I’ll, I’ll do it.

ZELDA: Come on, Simon, the sunlight is fading! We don’t have time! You’re tired, give it to me.

SIMON: Nah, it’s fine. I’ll do it. I’m better at translating anyway.

ZELDA: Get the damn book out, Simon.

SIMON: I got it!

(He sits down with it.)


(She tries to take the book from him.)

SIMON: Zelda, what the hell!

ZELDA: You’re taking too long! Give me the damn book!


(She wrests the book from his hands.)

ZELDA: Thank you!

SIMON: Zelda! What the hell is wrong with you?

ZELDA: What?

SIMON: Ever since we got here you’ve been in such a goddamn rush! You almost got us killed twice!

ZELDA: How the hell was I supposed to know there would be traps?

SIMON: Research!


SIMON: I’m sick of this. Keep the damn book, I’m out of here.

ZELDA: What? Simon, fuck, come on, we’re right at the end, the crown is through here!

SIMON: You don’t know that! And the sun is going down! I don’t want to end up mummy food!

ZELDA: There’s still time! Look. We’ll find out what’s through there and then quit for the day. Here, you can translate the runes. Okay? Is that what you want?

SIMON: Fine. Okay. So that’s negating… face of light… transform, with a negation… into sun… in the second person. So, without a face of light you’ll never become the sun. What the f – any ideas?

ZELDA: Nope. Fuck. Fuck!

SIMON: Well, let’s go. We’ll come back in the morning

ZELDA: AUGH! No! I’ve come so far! I can almost fucking taste it, Simon. It’s calling to me. I know it. I feel it. It’s in me. It’s calling to me. I’m going to take it. It’s gonna make me… Simon. Sun. Could that also be star?

SIMON: Yeah.

ZELDA: Of course! These guys are all about the stars! It’s a transcendence thing! This is a temple, right? It’s the ultimate test! They want to make sure you believe in yourself, that you emit the light of the heavens, the face of light, and when you do, the doors will open! You hear that, door? I fucking solved you! I am the greatest archaeologist in the world and I’m gonna go down in the books with a big fat picture of you next to my big fat smile! You hear me! Open the fuck up!



(A beat.)

All right, let’s go. Fuck.


ZELDA: What?

SIMON: I think… I think my face needs to… be a face of light. Also.

ZELDA: What are you talking about?

SIMON: Maybe you noticed, I’ve been distracted on this expedition.

ZELDA: Yeah. Got us lost a couple of times. I noticed.

SIMON: Well, it’s because… I don’t really want to be here.

ZELDA: What…?

SIMON: Not that I don’t want to be with you! I just, I’ve never really wanted to be an archaeologist. I just did it because you were doing it, and, well, we were like this inseparable pair, this dynamic duo or whatever, and I didn’t want to break it up! And I love you and want to protect you, and help you reach your goals, but they’re your goals. Not mine. Mine are more… I don’t know. I just… fuck. No. I have to say it. My goal is you. I love you. Like, love love you. I want to kiss you. I want to dance with you. I want to… fuck, I want to rip your clothes off right here and take you on this floor! You’re so… you’re my Zelda. My princess. And I want to marry you.

ZELDA: Simon… you swore!

(The door thuds and creaks all the way open, revealing a brilliant threshold.)

SIMON: Well… shall we?


(She kisses him.)

There’s no time. We have to get out before the mummy wakes up, we have to fuck all night, get up, fuck some more, and make our leisurely way down here tomorrow. I’m not in a rush.

SIMON: Oh kay!

ZELDA: Race you out!

SIMON: Oh, come on!

(She runs out, he runs to follow her, doubles back for his back pack and exits.)


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