A Very Tiny Play: #8

Here’s another tiny play. It’s not as tiny as the rest.

Some of the plays I produce during the next 3 months will not be tiny at all. Be excited!

(At the table right after dinner.)

ANNIE: I think I’m going to appeal this parking ticket. The sign was, like, so clearly not visible from the curb. What do you think?

JOE-JOHNNY: Hm?

ANNIE: Should I appeal this parking ticket?

JOE-JOHNNY: Hah! Yeah, sure. Why not?

ANNIE: What’s so funny?

JOE-JOHNNY: Seriously?

ANNIE: Yes!

JOE-JOHNNY: Uh, well, I guess I just don’t see why you’re putting any thought into that whole system.

ANNIE: What system?

JOE-JOHNNY: The parking ticket system.

ANNIE: You’re joking. You must be joking.

JOE-JOHNNY: I’m not joking. The whole system is retarded! I live by Gandhi’s words: (mystically, in a terrible Hindi accent) “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I want to live in a world without parking tickets. Therefore, I don’t pay my tickets.

ANNIE: That’s not – no, your logic is fallacious. You are not being in a world without parking tickets, you still have the parking tickets.

JOE-JOHNNY: Out of sight, out of mind, baby.

ANNIE: J-J! Pay your parking tickets!

JOE-JOHNNY: Mmm… no.

(Annie glares at Joe-Johnny.)

I don’t even think I can, anyway!

ANNIE (barely controlling herself): How much do you owe?

JOE-JOHNNY: I honestly have no idea.

ANNIE: How have I never seen a letter about these?!

JOE-JOHNNY: I’m very sneaky.

ANNIE: Joe-Johnny Shirkson, you will pay those parking tickets, or else never drive my car again!

JOE-JOHNNY: Whoa, Annie, calm down. Just don’t pay it, all right? Keep living your life like you never got one and we’ll be fine!

ANNIE: No, Johnny. I hate living in a den of secrets! And I – I just can’t have my car with so much – so many tickets!

JOE-JOHNNY: … Why?

ANNIE: … Because! I don’t want any… unwanted attention.

JOE-JOHNNY: Is there something you’re not telling me?

ANNIE: J-J….

JOE-JOHNNY: There is! Spill it!

ANNIE: I can’t.

JOE-JOHNNY: Annie. You know you can tell me anything. This isn’t a den of secrets. I’m sorry I kept the parking tickets from you and when you tell me your thing I… well, I might consider paying them. You can trust me!

ANNIE: I know. It’s just… it’s a really big secret.

JOE-JOHNNY: Oh, really? What, are you part of the League of Evil Geniuses or something?

ANNIE: Yes.

(A beat.)

JOE-JOHNNY: No, but seriously, what’s the reason?

ANNIE: I’m an agent of the LEG of Crime.

(A beat.)

JOE-JOHNNY: You… what’s your codename?

ANNIE: Oh, I can’t –

JOE-JOHNNY: No more secrets! You said! What’s your codename?

ANNIE: Cyber6.

JOE-JOHNNY: Cyber6!? I thought – damn! I was sure she’d be masquerading as a man!

ANNIE: You know me?

JOE-JOHNNY: I thought I did! Annie, I’ve been after the LEG for almost a year!

ANNIE: That’s your big case?!

JOE-JOHNNY: Yes!!!

ANNIE: Holy shit.

JOE-JOHNNY: Yeah.

(A long beat.)

ANNIE: J-J. You have to join us.

JOE-JOHNNY: Excuse me?

ANNIE: It’s perfect. You’re perfect!

JOE-JOHNNY: Normally I like hearing that but right now I’m a little freaked out.

ANNIE: J-J, don’t you see? A mole in the police is exactly what we need!

JOE-JOHNNY: I’m not joining the League, Annie, are you insane?

ANNIE: Why not?

JOE-JOHNNY: They’re – they’re criminals!

ANNIE: So are you.

JOE-JOHNNY: No I’m not – oh, the parking tickets.

ANNIE: And you said it yourself, the whole system is fucked! J-J, I hate the system. Not just the parking tickets, every aspect of it. From parliament to arts funding, the whole thing is fucked. I am being the change I want to see in the world. The LEG is striving for a better future, for equality! Meritocracy!

JOE-JOHNNY: At gunpoint!

ANNIE: We’re like Robin Hood! Do you know how many charities get secret, undeclared donations by LEG members? No, you don’t, because they’re –

JOE-JOHNNY: Five major charities around the city, totalling to about $8 million per year.

ANNIE: O-oh. You’re good.

JOE-JOHNNY: I’m very sneaky.

ANNIE: J-J. This is the only way the system is changed. People have tried to change it from the inside and have only been absorbed by it. We have to create a new world from a new system. (She touches his arm) A world… without parking tickets.

JOE-JOHNNY: … I’m in.

ANNIE: Yes!!! Oh, I love you!

JOE-JOHNNY: Can I pick my own codename?

ANNIE: We will never talk about the LEG at home ever again, dear. Starting now.

(Annie mounts J-J and makes out with him as the lights fade.)

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