A Very Tiny Play: #5

Another day, another play….

(At the welfare office. Simon is first in a long line.)

SIMON: The welfare wish I go forms where on to are?

HELEN: … what?

SIMON: Where welfare welfare go on wish for forms are the I to on?!

HELEN: As if I have to god-damn put up with this shit. Get out of here before I call security.


HELEN: What?

(Simon starts gesticulating.)

What are you doing?

CLAIRE: I think it’s charades.

HELEN: What? Oh my God, that’s it! I’m calling security.

SIMON (prostate and pleading): Do don’t please that!

CLAIRE: I’m good at charades. Maybe I can help!

HELEN: Fine. Do your stupid charades.

LEOPOLD: What’s going on? Is that guy doing charades? I have to get to an appointment!


CLAIRE: Three words. First word. Four syllables. First syllable. Grandma. Granny? Uh… Shorter? Gram? Yes! Second syllable. Uh… uh, sash, proud, hall monitor…?

HELEN: Mayor.

CLAIRE: Oh! Good one! Gram-mayor… grammarian?

HELEN: Nice. You are good at this.

CLAIRE (smiles at Helen, then): Third word. Bowling. Win. Win at bowling. Throw. Uh… oh! Strike! Grammarian on strike!

SIMON: Goodness thanks!

HELEN: Um. Okay. So you’re a grammarian.

(Simon nods.)

… and you’re on strike, which means, what, random word order?

(Simon nods emphatically. Helen sighs.)

Look, I’m sorry, but welfare’s not available for people on strike.

LEOPOLD: How did you not know that? What an idiot!

CLAIRE: Hey! Don’t be rude!

(Simon leaves Charlie-Brown style.)

Good luck!

HELEN: It’s tough being on strike. How can I help you, beautiful?


(The lights fade as Claire blushes.)


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